Searching in the world

 

All I want is, be truthful to me.
I follow,
Who can assure me that they will be!

It’s me, I do, and I will be.
I hear many voices above
But who follow the same?

All I want is, be truthful to me!
I don’t want name.
I don’t want fame.

I don’t want money.
I don’t want luxury.
All I want is, be truthful to me!

I don’t want beauty
I don’t want color
All I want is, be truthful to me!

Something I can believe for
Something I can give for
Something I can respect for
Something I can be true for

True relations,
True friends,
True partner,
All I want is, be truthful to me!

What we need?

Uncertainty is inevitable. But worrying is optional.
There is so much pain due to uncertainty.
Pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
What we need?

Which is the best way of living life? Living for others or living for ourselves?
We can hear people saying ‘Life has become more complicated now. It is very much difficult to come up in each and every stage of our life’.
Let us not analyze our life. Let’s live; analysis is what makes it complicated.

Success is a measure as decided by others.
Satisfaction is a measure as decided by us.
What we need, success or satisfaction?

Problems are Purposeful Roadblocks Offering Beneficial Lessons to Enhance Mental Strength. Our inner strength comes from struggle and endurance, not when we are free from those purposeful roadblocks.

If we look outside, we will not know where we are going. Looking outside, we only dream. Looking inside, we awaken. Eyes provide sight; Heart provides insight.

Always look at how far we have come rather than how far we have to go. Always count our blessing, not what we are missing.

Seek not to find who we are, but to determine who we want to be. Let's stop looking for a purpose as to why we are here. That is not our duty.
Let's create it. For each and everyone, their life is a process of creation and not a process of discovery.

Facing the past without regret and handling the present with confidence prepares for the future without fear.

Keep the faith - Don't believe your doubts and doubt your beliefs.
Life is a mystery to solve not a problem to resolve. Life is wonderful if you know how to live.

P.S. The understanding of life comes only when we live it not by analyzing and worrying!

Live the Present

If life can have the rewind button, I wish I would go to the place where I feel I could change my life from the one I am living right now. Next thought comes to my mind is, why can’t I do the same from this moment so that I wont regret later in future for not doing the same now.

Enough of drowning, regretting and thinking about the past. Rewind button for the life doesn’t exists at all but the pause and refresh buttons works fine.

“Be strong enough to at least try to make your life better”.

Pay me 4000Rs!

September 6th 2008.

After the break at India, I am traveling back to Kuwait.
Routine formalities of the travel began with showing the passport and ticket to the security guard அபிடேர் I left my family at the visitor’s place. Scanned my luggage and waited in the check-in queue for more than 30 minutes. Being traveled to the same country for more than 5 times, I relaxed myself with ‘as usual questions and answers in immigration’ (visa in Arabic, age less than 35yrs etc.) running into my mind :). The lady asked for my passport and ticket when I tried to keep my luggage into the weighing machine as my turn came. She checked the passport, tickets and visa too as I got a multiple entry visa this time which is stamped in the passport itself unlike the single entry visa which we get separately in a soft copy. Meanwhile she asked me to check the weight of the hand luggage too.

“Ok Mam, Thank you! You have excess of ten Kgs. Your hand baggage is already 7 kgs. So you have to pay. One kg is Rs.565. “- She told me very normally and contuined her work for giving me the boarding pass!!! I was totally out of thinking about my baggage weight at that time as I was allowed to take nearly 40 kgs every time to this country. I was so puzzled which even I felt it by the face reaction from her. I told her that I am traveling often and this is not at all excess! She said she is being here for more than 10 years in Qatar airways and gave a weird look to stop me giving explanations; she felt I was arguing. She told, my ticket shows only 20kg of weight is allowed. She asked whether I am going to pay 4000Rs or going to reduce weight. After 5 minutes of talk, she told me to remove 7 kg and she allowed me to have 1kg more in my hand baggage too. She didn’t wait for me to give my reply as people were waiting behind me. She said, I have 30 minutes more to decide and she called a worker to help me reducing the baggage.
So many things went into my mind; same situation which happened to my freind before, my over confidence when my father told my luggage was bit heavy, how to face him as he gonna shout me now, what to remove now and what to have as I felt I did not dumped the bag, no spare bag or any cover to give the things to my parents etc…

I was running out of time. Having no other option, called my father and informed my situation who somehow realized the situation happened there. I was informed to go out again from the place the routine formalities started! Explained the situation to my family and started seeing the bag what to remove from it. Kept some dress in hand baggage and was totally out of mind what to take off. Some clothes, readymade food stuffs (since it is a Ramadan period, Kuwait follow a very strict policy where all the shops and restaurants are closed till 5pm), books and some other stuff. I felt if I take more things then no need for me to travel at all; Because I was left with only minimal things!

The things which were removed from my bag were in the hands of my mom, dad and my sister and when I was about to talk to them, they told not to worry about that and forwarded me to the scanning again. Did all the works again and reached the check in counter where they told 8kg was reduced and they allowed me to take with that. Now at the immigration, where I usually get stuck regarding the visa - It was not an exceptional day. Before that I should tell about my visa; peculiar visa where all the details are entered manually than to be printed; that too everything in Arabic. After seeing that, he don’t understand anything as usual and he started asking me louder what’s this and showed to me. I replied, 'It is a multiple entry visa for Kuwait where I can stay for a month in each entry'. Well, but I don’t understand anything in this and you call this as visa? – Old man. I told him ask some person who knows Arabic. He was bit angry and did not stop for sometime when I told him to check, 'I get this problem every time, you please check with your superior'. I know, I was bit straight but I had no other option. He went and came after 15 minutes and finally gave me my passport back with stamping. I reached the boarding point just before 10 minutes of the travel.

With a big sigh, eyes closed and rested back, I saw the image of my family in front of me who waved their hands holding all the removed stuff in both their hands, with a smile as I moved away from them!

Anwesha

Music is a very powerful medicine which cures all your mental illness. Depends on our mood and taste – we get the music and the rest of the world is ours. Like music, the voice adds more life to it. Just imagine the whole world without any voice and just music alone! The gift of God, the voice of a person is not the same for all of us. Imagine again the whole world with one single voice alone!

Listen! the audio alone with high volume without seeing the video. Then try to give life to the voice you heard sometime back and see the video. Now tell me what do you think?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HbO80egv-cc

I also heard the original version of the song where I don’t get the same feeling after listening to this. I find this is the best. I am wondering when was the day I did not hear this since the day I got this song. I listen to this song daily.

• The very most thing I observed from her voice is the control, we should know the control of our voice and so if we control there, we will get the required output else the voice spoils us with bad tone in the music. It is the same with life. You should know where to have the control in your life.
• Secondly, the feel she has, when she sings that song.
  In life, we should give the feel of life when we live; otherwise you cannot enjoy the life and it will be very blank and pale.
• The Passion in her voice, a boundless enthusiasm, full concentration - Are these not involved in our so called struggling life to succeed it?
• Finally the happiness in her face after she finishes the song. She sang very well and so the happiness with politeness and gentlness. Be humble though you touch the Everest and be happy with the work you do with all your effort.
  
  Nothing extraordinary – all simple rules but these are under “to be followed” or “to be reminded” categories.
  
  She was the runner up in the competition!!! Just think how much we have to struggle to come to the top position in life…
  
  I started somewhere and going somewhere else. My idea is just to post this video which makes me feel so good and keeps me in peace whenever I am off. Every time when I listen to this song, I get goose bumps which I cannot avoid even if I control.
  
  P.S. I tried attaching the video but i am not able to attach; so giving the link of the song. After buffering, just listen the song without seeing the video initially.
  
  

The longest week - 4

August 1. It was early morning and I did not know when I felt asleep last night but it did not last longer as I got up when the breakfast came to my room. My eyes were very heavy and so my head too and then I realized that I cried last night very badly without my knowledge. I went again to bed and tried to sleep. Not trying to withstand the act of sleeping, I got up and talked to some of my friends online.

When we are very much afraid and feel lonely, even a very silly thing happens to others, we think a lot and shout and what else. Same happened to me too, so I thought of seeing a movie than talking to others. I felt very lonely and alone that I wish someone could be there. The movie which I saw was more senti; which I shouldn’t have seen at that time when my mood was totally off. The movie was so touched that I couldn’t stop weeping for a single minute. The movie plan did not work out for me rather increased my pain. The whole day went with no food, no sleep and total darkness and moreover with more fear. I had no mood to eat or rather step out of the bed. Soon, it was night and so I wanted to sleep and to end the day but in vain. Somehow or the other I was not able to sleep and first time I was getting afraid of darkness. I switched on all the lights and slept in bed. The lights are on doesn’t mean that I removed the darkness from the whole world; it was dark outside!

The last day for that weekend; I wished I had 2 more days to sleep. That day also was not so good because so many reasons for which my fear was also one of the reasons, I was sick and totally sick out of all these. I somehow managed to unpack my luggage at least on that day and ordered for food of ease. I was not able to go to office the next day because of my sickness. I need rest but when I think I have to sleep, I was not able to and when I think I have to sleep early, I was not able to.

Started the next day very fresh with cooking but my mind was not fresh and my health too and so was not able to continue the same for the next days. The fear of loneliness and darkness continued for the next days as soon I come to the room in the evening and it was very difficult for me to sleep as well. I wanted to end this longest week and everything. I wanted to stop these afraid and fear.

I am not getting any calls after that day but the night is still there in my mind which made me so down, sick, lonely and afraid of darkness. Though I wanted to end on Aug 7th, the day I decided to post about my longest week, it took 2 more days to end my longest week with no proper sleep and no proper food. 13 days in my longest week!

The longest week - 3

It is the same apartment where I stayed last time. Within 30 minutes, I was ready to go to office. When I reached office, it was half a day just before lunch. I didn’t feel much tired in office at least that’s how I managed there. The next day was supposed to be a holiday for us because of ‘Ascension of Prophet Mohammed’. So I thought I could have a long weekend where I sleep, sleep and sleep :). Unfortunately we had to work the next day which was not at all expected by anyone at the end of the day! After I went to my room I realized one of my friends had to go to India that night and so they came to my room and that night was again a bit sleepless night and no food because of all the sendoffs.

The next day, with no mood, went to office and somehow managed with a sleep when the sunlight directly flashed to my eyes :). When I was on the way back to my room, I was thinking, “I should go to bed very early today, no matter I eat or not I should first sleep which I need the most”. I stopped talking to myself when I reached my place. Though I wanted to sleep, I was hungrier too because of no food/junk food. I didn’t start my cooking so nothing was there to eat and my luggage was still there in a same condition I brought with only some clothes were out. Just went out to get some juice, cakes and some basic stuff for cooking so that I could cook the next day. Had some juice and cakes with milk at night meanwhile switched on the system and simply browsing. Some of my friends came online and was chatting with me, with one I felt something was wrong and with whom normally I don’t feel that way. I did not know/want to stop the chat just like that at that time and didn’t realize the time was around 1 am. But I was half asleep too.

Suddenly I got up when I heard my phone was ringing right next to my ear in the bed. ‘With half sleep and a thought in mind that some of my friends would be calling who are online now’ I just attended the call though I was confused what the need to call at this time. “Hello”. No reply from other side. I said hello again. No reply but I could hear some sound around the room from where the call was. I did not expect a blank call at that time. I was totally awake after shouting hello for so many times. Then slowly I heard something in a very low husky voice and was not clear at all. I immediately wanted to relate the voice with the voice I know but I couldn’t. It was totally a different voice. I was not sure whether somebody was calling from my home or my friends. I was asking some of my friends who were online but they had so many works than calling me at that time. I cut the call. Again I got a call after sometime, this time I noticed the number but of no use. It was like an international call; that is what I could think by the number. This time the voice was bit bold enough to ask me “are you still awake?” How do you feel when you are alone at that night time when someone tells you that you are awake as if that person is sitting and seeing in front of you?

When I asked who that was? No proper reply at all but saying weird and unrelated things. I was totally means totally afraid of who talked so rubbish and weird. One thing I was able to find out with that was some one was doing that purposefully. I got the call again and again and at one point I got more irritated than afraid and shouted like anything in that pin drop silence room which definitely would have heard to the people who were at the road if somebody was there. My voice echoed in the room; call was not active – could be because of 2 reasons – The phone was stunned by my voice or the person on the other side. It was the last call I got after some 10 times in an hour. It was around 2 am and nobody was there to explain my fear in that darkness. I couldn’t remember when I got afraid like this last time; it was so much that I was afraid of everything – the darkness basically. I was awake till morning thinking who would have called in this country where nobody knows me or my phone number than official. But he spoke in my mother tongue with the nativity of the coconut growing place!

The longest week – 2

July 30. Reached airport and directly went to the check in counter where I saw a big queue in more than 5 counters, all for the same airlines I had to take. Joined one queue and waited for more than 45 minutes. When I got my turn, I gave my passport, visa and tickets to the lady who was sitting in the counter. She was seeing my visa soft copy and she did not understand anything in that (written in Arabic) and she called a guy and asked to give to someone to check whether it is valid. By hearing her words, I interrupted and explained her I go every month with this visit visa but she asked me wait till that guy come back. (I was not shocked as this is not the first time happening for me when I travel to this country). He came with a guy who asked me for what I am traveling to this country; I explained him but they were not convinced much because of the fact of only woman above the age of 35 can travel to Arab countries. They were right. But this was my 4th trip to Kuwait and people were not ready to listen to me as they stick into their rules which they know. She put the green tag “STANDBY” in my check in bag. It said me that I my day was not finishing there. When I enquired about that, she told after I finish the immigration, my check in bag would be released.

After a big sigh, I moved from that place. Again, a big queue in the immigration. In my turn, I went to the officer, about whom I am not sure whether lady or a guy. I prefer “she” :). She referred my visa and passport and finished her work in 5 minutes after I explain her about my travel. She did not tell anything. But I was not satisfied since my baggage was in standby mode. I explained her about my situation in check in counter and I asked to clear my baggage from check in. she asked me to wait for sometime until her superior comes. I waited near the officers room and I was sitting alone there as a centre of attraction and people were seeing as if I did something wrong and so I was asked to wait. Only by those people I was so embarrassed, otherwise not. I saw some 2 officers sitting and chatting inside the room near to me and the door was open. I was seeing the lady who asked me to wait. I waited for such a long time that no more people were there for immigration. I hardly had some 1 hour for flight. she got up and went somewhere and finally came to the room near to me and called me inside. Same 2 officers were there and they asked “What’s the problem?” I got so irritated that time after explaining to the lady the whole stuff. I relaxed myself and explained again to those people. They said not a problem at all and I can go. I was thinking whether I will get my baggage or not in Kuwait. Finished all my rest of the formalities and waited for sometime for the flight.

Boarded the flight and I was searching for my seat, thinking that should not come in the middle row of seats. I got the left side 2 seater. A middle aged woman was sitting near to me who was a Muslim wearing burka. She was starring at me like anything and i was not at all comfortable sitting there. She was very weird with her eyes. I forgot to take the picture of her when she was sleeping. I got a devil feeling when I saw her (I am not commenting her but I actually was afraid). I was thinking how I will travel for 5 hours like this. I did not see her for sometime but I could feel she was starring at me continuously. She called me and asked for my phone to make a call. I was afraid the way she asked me. After a little thought, I asked her for the number and dialed. The number she told was not valid. She didn’t ask me anything after that. I wanted to sleep because of no sleep last night and also to avoid the vomit sensation I used to get when the take off and landing. When I got back to the world, I was flying above the middle of the sea and that lady was still starring at me. My god. How do you feel when someone keeps on looking at you with a weird look? I was bit afraid to talk to her first, but then I thought she may had some problems and I started a gentle stranger wish but no reply at all. They started to serve food and so she was busy in food for sometime. I closed my eyes for sometime to see the heaven and when I got up, she was sleeping. Yes. She was sleeping but in the same way she was sitting before. Her eyes were half opened and her mouth too. One more thing is, she did not get up once in that 5 hour travel. Strange!

We reached at last. Thanks to the captain. Walked faster to get my luggage first. I could feel she was running fast behind me to cope up my fast. After one hour of waiting time, I got my luggage safe. She was walking here and there and I asked her whether she wants any help. She moved away from me slowly seeing me till she went invisible. I rushed outside to see for a person having my name board. I was so tired that I wanted to sleep for some hours because of no sleep at all; thinking about that lady. The life we live is giving us so many lessons which we never get even if you get a degree in Harvard University which is considered to be the world’s top most universities in the world.

The longest week - 1

Today must be the last day of my longest week. It started on July 29th past 6 after sunset, the day before my travel day for this month. I got my tickets at the last minute and so it was not at all possible to travel the next day which was in the early morning flight. Though I had all the basic things to fly (visa and tickets), like most of the companies have their own policies for the travel service(travel request, approval, deputation, travel insurance, foreign currency) I was pretty sure that I can’t make it happen for the next day knowing about my company through my previous travels. Getting all the above was not a big deal but I was put in to the wrong timings, which was the end of the day and people were about to leave home.

I had only 10 minutes at the maximum to make sure that I am flying the next day with no other option. Called my PM and told my situation; she said let us try your luck. (The higher authority has to approve it and it happens only when they are available at their seats and not in any of their mode of transport to reach their home). Meanwhile we talked with the person who is in charge of the travel systems in our company. He gave a simple and straight reply that, only when I get the approval from the higher official and started shouting that I do this every time :). I know that I was bugging their heads for the last 4 months for my every travel but I didn’t exactly remember when that last moment came. I did not care much for those words but had to say anything now rather had to convince him to make some arrangements. I should tell man… he is so generous. He said, he can stay at office and can do the formalities but only when he gets the approval. PM saw me with a half way smile in her face. We thanked him and immediately called the project director to explain the situation and ask for the approval. Meanwhile I placed the request for approval. He was so keen and after she explained him, he was ready to give the approval. I told myself, “Thanks a lot”. I thought I was going to miss the bus and if I take the public transport, I did not know when I would be reaching reach home, pack and sleep. I can reach Srilanka easily than to go home through public transport. (It is only 1 hour travel to Srilanka in flight :))

Another major thing is I need to get is, the foreign currency for which they will give a letter officially saying the amount for specific country, called deputation letter. I was very much sure there was no point waiting for that letter. However, I got a call from the person who was sitting in office to help me saying that he had told the money exchange guy to come to my home and give the amount and asked me to confirm the same by calling him which means I can go home now and almost everything seems to be fine. I thanked him in words and ran to the lift to catch the bus when I got a call from my bus coordinator to whom I called sometime back and asked to wait for 5 minutes.

Only my bus was waiting and when I got into the bus, people gave me a bad look that I had taken their time to reach home soon which was absolutely acceptable :) ;). I silently went and sat at the back seat with a sudden thought that I did not inform my parents yet about my travel. Again, my father, who always says I am doing everything at the last minute; as if I wants to do that way. I talked to my dad and informed my friends too. I was thinking in the bus whether I have everything for the travel and got in to the mind that need to buy some stuffs which I normally takes with me. Got down from the bus to the place where I could buy those things and reached my home where the exchange guy was waiting for me in front of my house. It was almost late and so soon I finished my work with him and started my packing stuffs. I hardly had some 2 hours before I start from home for the next day when I saw the time after I finished my works.

Got ready early morning to leave home. I slept for maximum half an hour where “the longest week” arose.

Base of Life

At times, we feel that, whatever we hear, whatever we see in our life, gives us a message. You feel as if someone came and read your mind and giving you answers through their way for all the confusions you have inside.

Recently, I was browsing for some songs and it happened in a same way I stated above. I listened to this song so many times before but it gives more meaning when I hear now. We don’t know what our life is going to give us but we manage to go as it takes us; without knowing the path, reason and destination. We feel tired, we give up; but a base source which still drags us to take life is 'Confidence'.
பூவெல்லாம் மாலைகளாகும்... ஜெயித்தால் நம் தோள்களில் ஆடும்.

செவ்வானம் வெட்கம் கொண்டது யாராலே...
சங்கீதம் மூங்கிலில் வந்தது யாராலே ...
சுற்றும் பூமியில் இன்பம் கொட்டிக்கிடக்கிறது...
நம்மை அழைக்கிறது... (பூவெல்லாம்)

வானகம் தூரம் இல்லை, வங்கக்கடல் ஆழம் இல்லை... நம்பிக்கை வைப்போம் இந்த வாழ்விலே..
சூரியனை வட்டம் இட்டு, தன்னை தானே சுற்றும் பூமி, நம்மை சுற்றி வருமே அந்த வானிலே...
புது சந்தோஷம் எங்கே?
புது சங்கீதம் எங்கே?
அது நம்பிக்கை வாழும் நெஞ்சில் தானடா... (செவ்வானம்)

Changes are inevitable

Sometimes life makes us to do - which we don’t ever thought of doing it or which we don’t think we need it or which we say others that we don’t do that in our lifetime or things for which we would have given a lengthy lecture of not doing it.

I was/am one among them of the above people. Blog? Whats that?
What?? You people write personal things here and publish to everyone? What a concept!
“Hey, when you are not in a mood and you don’t want to talk to anyone but you don’t want to keep it inside, what you will do” – this is one of my friend. “I write my diary when I get time to have all this” – it’s me. “Ah, the same… u write diary, we write blog“– he said. Somehow it did not convince me.

Though I tell all that, I know very well that deep inside me I want to publish a book one day with all my poems I write. I think poetry is the strong media by which you can view others life easily. You can say in a single line poetically than explaining in lines as notes. So is it not contrary what I speak and what I think? Whether I will be publishing a book with my ink is a different debate. I need another blog for that debate.

Anyways now I have chosen this path to put myself here; just to write when I get tired talking to myself. I will be the happiest person if I come to know that at least for one day I am not taking things so deeply. And when your mind keeps on talking to you without showing it anywhere or not showing outside, do you know how it will be? Those who have this weird (it is weird - only for strangers) habit will be able to understand what exactly I am trying to say.

I am alone and it is me who opted for this loneliness.